Married at First Sight – Journey From the Lens of a Viewer S:3 E:4
December 28, 2015
Like many viewers, my husband and I watch Married at First Sight because of it’s rich, valuable, life lessons, for us as individuals and as a couple. This week as we take a journey through the honeymoons, our lens will focus on how, who we are as an individual, impacts us as a couple. Here are my thoughts on what it would feel like to walk in their shoes…
“Learning to trust is one of life’s most difficult tasks” ~ Isaac Watts
Trust is honesty, loyalty and respect. When you trust someone, you have confidence that you are physically and emotionally safe with them.
You bring your past experiences, hurts and fears into this relationship. It is an integral part of who you are. Once you’ve been hurt, it is hard to open yourself up to trust again.
For you, trust is built gradually over time. Time is one thing you don’t have when you marry a stranger. You look for the signs; consistency in their actions and words, consideration of your worries and fears, ability to listen and support, respect of boundaries. You see glimpses of these and have hope that the tiny seeds of trust that are planted, will blossom and grow into the foundation of your marriage.
As an introvert, you are private and reserved. You get your energy in the quiet solace of being alone. You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and are slow to develop relationships. You need time to reflect on your thoughts and ideas and seldom make a quick decision. Your energy gets drained when you are in a crowd or in constant conversation with others.
As an extrovert, you are exuberant and outgoing. You get your energy from being with others. There are times you jump into things without thinking. You love conversation and are an open book, sharing your thoughts and feelings without hesitation. Your energy gets drained when you are alone.
The experts matched you up with someone to compliment your personality. But in order to balance each other out, you need to understand one another, be willing to reach out of your comfort zone and above all else, have respect for one another.
As a direct communicator, you feel honesty is the best policy and let the facts speak for themselves. You have a “take charge” attitude. To get your desired outcome, you tell people exactly how you feel and what needs to be done. Your firm and clear approach can be seen as bossy and at times, abrasive.
As an indirect communicator, you value politeness and expect people to read between the lines. It’s easier for you to tell someone what they want to hear. You often hold your tongue to avoid conflict, tension and uncomfortable situations. Your wait and observe approach can be interpreted as being passive-aggressive.
In an intense, emotional situation, you lose your filter, push too hard, or completely withdraw. Watching how you communicate your thoughts and actions is gut-wrenching. You see the mistakes you made and the pain you inflicted. You know that you can never retrieve your words or your lack of communicating them…and vow to use this as a learning tool to become a better person.
Levels of Engagement
Since you first met your spouse, you have been at different levels of engagement in the process. You have feelings of shame and guilt that you don’t know how to deal with. You are a caring person and don’t want to cause hurt feelings.
You react with outward frustration or inward silence. Either way comes across as being disrespectful. Your body language shows your discomfort. Do you speak the words that explain your reaction, knowing it may cause a rift, or remain silent, and deny your very existence?
You are real. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You can’t fake, you can’t run, you can’t hide.
You feel you are being judged and your honesty is being misinterpreted.
You take this very seriously and need assurance that you are both on the same page.
You know there is no excuse for being and unkind to anyone, especially your spouse.
You are not communicating your feelings. Your frustration builds until you can no longer contain it.
You are over-communicating your thoughts and feelings and it’s pushing your spouse away.
You are trying to be open to the process, but the pressure is too intense.
You feel all alone. There is no one to talk to who will understand. Nothing can prepare you for this.
You turn to family, friends, & the experts to give you the clarity, support and encouragement you need to make it through another day. Whether by choice or by a life-altering event, you recommit to the process. You look for reasons to trust, understand why the experts matched you and commit to working as a team.
You understand the place of passion from which people are responding. You even agree with some of what they say.
But the personal attacks begin to weigh your spirit down. You wonder if they understand that by their hurtful words, they are doing the very same thing they are criticizing you of doing. Does anyone ever “deserve” this?
You put on your shield of armor to protect the arrows from penetrating your heart. Tis the season for love and above all else, forgiveness. You will be that example.